


I wish I were Heather

by Lhumaine



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Destiny, F/M, Songfic, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:22:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26235595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lhumaine/pseuds/Lhumaine
Summary: Merlin loves Arthur.Arthur loves Gwen.Arthur was his Destiny, but he wasn't Arthur's./!\ This depicts homosexual love. Do NOT read if you are not confortable with this theme. I am only responsible for what I write, and not what you read./!\ THIS CONTAINS SPOILERS!!!!!! READ AT YOUR OWN RISKSongfic.Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN THE SHOW MERLIN BBC. I ONLY OWN THE STORY LINE OF THIS PARTICULAR FANFICTION.I DO NOT OWN THE SONG "HEATHER" BY CONAN GRAY. I ONLY INSPIRED MYSELF TO WRITE THIS PARTICULAR FANFICTION.
Relationships: Gwen/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	I wish I were Heather

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! 
> 
> So, I am pretty you have heard the song Heather, by Conan Gray. When I heard it, I immediately thought about Merlin. I searched a bit, but there was no stories on this, therefore, I decided to write my own. 
> 
> It is not Betaed, so if there is any mistake you see, please let me know so that I can change it quickly. 
> 
> I hope you'll like it. 
> 
> DISCLAIMER
> 
> /!\ This depicts homosexual love. Do NOT read if you are not confortable with this theme. I am only responsible for what I write, and not what you read. 
> 
> /!\ THIS CONTAINS SPOILERS!!!!!! READ AT YOUR OWN RISK
> 
> Songfic. 
> 
> Disclaimer: 
> 
> I DO NOT OWN THE SHOW MERLIN BBC. I ONLY OWN THE STORY LINE OF THIS PARTICULAR FANFICTION. 
> 
> I DO NOT OWN THE SONG "HEATHER" BY CONAN GRAY. I ONLY INSPIRED MYSELF TO WRITE THIS PARTICULAR FANFICTION.

_I still remember_

_Third of December_

As always, Merlin was shivering under his thin jacket. He and Arthur had gone on a journey, alone, as always, and were hoping to not meet any bandits. 

They had woken up at sunrise and left almost immediately, leaving just enough time for Merlin to pack up some extra clothes for Arthur and 3 days worth of food. They planned on leaving only for two days, but, in these woods, you never know. 

Anywho. It was freezing today, as it is supposed to be on the 3rd of December. And Merlin didn't have a cloak to keep him warm. 

After an hour of hearing his teeth clatter, Arthur had had enough. He stopped abruptly.

\- Merlin, you really are an idiot, aren't you?

\- Why are you saying this, My Lord? Responded Merlin sarcastically.

\- We are in winter, couldn't you bring a cloak of at least something hotter?

\- But My Lord, that's all I have.

Arthur looked at him. He was dead serious. How could someone only have a thin jacket ?

\- Not even one cloak?

\- No. Who do you think I am? The Prince?

\- Merlin, shut up.

Arthur looked at Merlin. His lips were turning blue, that couldn't be good. The blond thought for awhile... he had the right, right? He was a Prince, he could do what he wanted.

\- Merlin, did you prepare extra clothes for me?

\- Why? Are you cold?

\- No, it's for you, you idiot. Take the extra cloak.

Merlin stopped and looked at Arthur as if a second head had appeared on his shoulders.

\- Why are you looking at me like this?

\- Are you sick, Arthur? Do you really want me to take the other cloak I prepared for your fat a- Majesty?

\- Merlin... 

\- Shut. Up.

\- You guessed it.

Merlin turned on his saddle and rummaged through the bag he had prepared. Obviously the cloak was at the bottom. Once Merlin got it out, he immediately looked at Arthur to be sure he wasn't going to sentence him to death for wearing a royal cloak.

\- Are you sure I can wear this?

\- Merlin, if I say that you can, then, yes, you can.

\- You are not going to sentence me to death as soon as this cloak is around my shoulders right?

\- Merlin!

\- Just checking... Also, why do you care? You're not worried about me, are you?

\- N-no! I'm doing this so we can continue our journey. If you die on me, then I'll have to carry you back home.

\- Hmhm, if you say so.

Reassured, Merlin took the cloak and wrapped it on his shoulders. As soon as he held the corners of the fabric closer to his body, he felt the heat come back. Arthur looked at him appreciably, and Merlin blushed under the cloak. The fact that the fabric also smelled like him didn't help. It felt as if Merlin was being embraced and he didn't want to move.

\- Come on, we're going.

\- Yes, your Pratiness.

But Arthur had decided otherwise. 

____________

_Me and your sweater,_

_You said it looked better on me than it did you_

Merlin knocked on Arthur's door. He didn't usually, but the castle was in effervescence since the King was sick. And Arthur was so stressed it was difficult to talk to him. After a few times of being shouted at for opening the door without knocking, Merlin had learned. So, now, he knocked.

\- Enter.

The voice sounded muffled from behind the door, but Merlin could hear the pain in it. He was always the one here, he wanted to be the one always here. That was how he showed Arthur that he was here for him. That he was not leaving. 

Merlin entered the room. Arthur looked horrible. He had red eyes, his hair were tangled and his clothes were all messed up. But still, he looked grandiose in Merlin's eyes. Arthur was his King, his Master, his Destiny, his friend no matter what he looked like or what he went through. This was just another obstacle to overcome.

\- What did you come here for, Merlin?

\- I just wanted to return this to you, he responded, showing the cloak. Also, I've come to do my job, my Lord.

Arthur looked at Merlin as if he was crazy.

\- I thought I'd never see it back. You know it's been a week since we've come back?

\- Yes, I know, but... I had to wash it. And since it's cold outside, it took a while.

It wasn't true. Merlin had waited until the very last ounce of Arthur's smell had disappeared before washing it. That hadn't even taken a day.

\- Anyway, I don't want it back. Keep it.

\- Wha- why?

\- It surely smells like you now, even if you washed it. And I don't want to touch something you've worn.

\- Are you saying I stink, Arthur?

\- Yes! Like a... pig.

\- Pigs are cute, though.

\- Well, you're not! You look like a straggled stoat. And you stink.

Merlin laughed.

\- You sound desperate! Like you've got something to hiiiide.

\- ... That one doesn't look good on me anyway, so just keep it.

\- So, it looks good on me then?

\- I never said that. But it does look better on you than on me. Do keep it. I don't like the colour anyway.

\- Thank you my Lord.

_Only if you knew_

_How much I liked you_

Merlin was serious. Flustered but serious. Arthur had said it looked good on him! Maybe he had a chance after all. Maybe. Maybe he would even have a chance to tell him about his magic. Maybe not until the King was dead, which would happen soon due to Morgana. But, one day, he would tell him. And then, he would kis-

\- Merlin!

He startled, forcibly taken out of his fantasies.

\- Yes?

\- The room.

Yes, the room. Merlin started mumbling about prats who wouldn't even let him in peace. He felt a state on his back. There was only one person with him, Arthur. Merlin blushed. 

________________

_But I watch your eyes_

_As she walks by_

Merlin was discussing, more like arguing, with Arthur about the training session for today. Obviously, Arthur wanted him as a moving target. But Merlin had had enough to get up every time he fell, covered in mud and in pain.

\- Merlin! I am the King. I can order you around.

\- I am your manservant. You don't want me failing to do your laundry because I'm too much in pain, do you?

\- Well, Merlin, you shou-

The manservant turned his eyes toward Arthur who had stopped in the middle of a sentence. Even for the Prat, that was weird. 

Merlin saw that the blue eyes were looking at a distance, and Merlin was scared Arthur had gotten bewitched without his knowledge. He searched for magic in the air, but there was none. So, instead, he followed the look and fell on Guinevere. 

_What a sight for sore eyes_

_Brighter than a blue sky_

Gwen really was pretty. She was still the same person, but somehow, her aura had brightened. She could make someone happy just by looking at them. When she smiled, her teeth could illuminate a room. She had really beautiful black and wavy hair and her eyes sparkled anyway of the week. 

She was beautiful.

\- She's beautiful.

Merlin started. He had forgotten Arthur was next to him, and the fact that he had said exactly what he was thinking had startled him. 

_She's got you mesmerized_

Arthur seemed to only be focusing on her. That's when Merlin understood. He would never be able to confess his love. Well, he could, but he was sure to be laughed at now. Arthur was his Destiny, but he was not Arthur's. He would only be able to look from far. To fantasize. To wish and hope. But never nothing could happen. Merlin was destined to be alone forever. Loving his King, but never loved back. Protecting his Master, but never acknowledged. He couldn't even think about confessing his magic now. He was sure to be sent to the dungeons to wait for his death because of his mistake in Dragoon's body. 

Merlin was completely alone. 

Merlin still tried to get Arthur's attention, to go to the training field.

\- Arthur. Prat. Ar-

\- Shut up, Merlin.

And just like that, Arthur trailed off. Leaving Merlin behind. He was always behind. He would always stay behind, to protect, to love, to hope. 

_While I die._

Merlin didn't have the strength to go and be a live target. He didn't have the strength to look at Arthur and see how hard he tried to impress the love of his life as she stood watching. He didn't have the strength. 

________________

_Why would you ever kiss me?_

_I'm not even half, as pretty_

_You gave her your sweater_

_It's just polyester,_

_but you like her better_

_Wish I were Heather_

_________________

_Watch as she stands with_

_Her holding your hand_

Now that Uther was gone, Arthur had started being more open in his relationship with Guinevere. 

They had started going on dates, bringing Merlin with them to carry the food and the blanket to seat on. Merlin would sometimes open the door to his King's rooms, bringing dinner, to find them both seated. Her laughing at something he had said, while he looked at her with adoration in his eyes. Arthur really was in love. And Merlin could only watch. Each little gesture of love breaking his heart more as the days went by. 

________________

_Put your arm 'round her shoulder_

Today was cold, but Arthur had decided to go on a picnic with Gwen. Obviously, Merlin had gone with them, only to bring food and blankets. Today, he had to bring more blankets than ever, seeing how cold it was. Leaving back on a fallen tree, Arthur calmly put his arm around Gwen's shoulders. Merlin had then the task to cover them with blankets. Not that the two could see, both of them flying on their little cloud. They were looking at each other, never taking eyes of the other until it was time to eat. They hadn't even talked. They had only watched, contemplated their love. The silence was breaking Merlin apart. 

_Now I'm getting colder_

Merlin had stopped wearing the cloak the day he had stumbled on Arthur kissing Gwen in an alcove. That day, he had understood. He had tried, before, to lie to himself. He had told himself that there was still a chance, that he was Arthur's Destiny just as the blond was his. He had told himself that Arthur liked Gwen because she was a woman and that was needed for the King. That he would see all that Merlin had done for him since he had arrived at Camelot. 

But that day, watching Arthur kiss Gwen had broken the dam he had built over his emotions. All had come out as he ran to his bedroom. He had cried that night, longer than he had ever cried. 

It was the day he had decided to stop using the cloak. It was the day he had decided to stop the friendly banter he had going on with Arthur. It was the day he had decided to be colder. And Arthur hadn't noticed. Sure he had been sending him weird looks, but he never said anything. He had Gwen after all. 

At the picnic, Merlin put his head on the knees he had circled with his arms. He didn't cry. No, because, then, Arthur and Gwen would see and realise something was wrong. Instead, he let his conscience swim in the magic surrounding them. Magic was everywhere. Magic was warm and welcoming but Merlin had never felt so cold. As if the cold from outside had entered his soul, his heart. Or maybe, his internal coldness had changed the weather. 

_But how could I hate her?_

_She's such an angel_

It wasn't her fault that he was so cold. It was his own fault for falling in love with a man who would never love him back. 

He had no right to hate her since he was his first and longest friend in Camelot. She was the one who had introduced him to life as a manservant. She had explained everything to him with such kindness. She really was an angel. 

__________________

_But then again, kinda_

_Wish she were dead, as she_

_Walks by_

The more Merlin was keeping company to Arthur, the more he wished Arthur would belong to him. Arthur was so beautiful and strong that Merlin was reviving each time he was in the King's presence. Magic and love and life was flowing through his veins, warming him up. In Arthur's presence, he felt alive and good and happy. In the morning, before waking him up, Merlin would stare at his King, wishing to be with him in bed, wishing to hug the blond, wishing to kiss him until he died. But he could never do that. Instead, he felt content in just being to look at him and warming up. 

However, as soon as Arthur's breakfast was on the table, he always asked Merlin to go ask Guinevere for him and ask her to eat breakfast with him. Then, Merlin would feel coldness wash over him and he would always respond with a cold "Yes, my Lord." Arthur would always look at him weird. But the moment of warmness was over and now, Merlin was cold again. 

Each time he would go and pick up a second breakfast for Gwen, he wished he could poison her food. To kill her. 

He wished she could die. That she could cease to exist. That she had never even existed. 

But even being Emrys, his power had a limit. Furthermore, Destiny would never let that happen. 

And he knew that it would hurt Arthur so badly he might never recover. 

_____________________

_What a sight for sore eyes_

_Brighter than a blue sky_

_She's got you mesmerized_

_While I die_

Merlin wanted to die sometimes. But he couldn't. Who would save Arthur if not him. Who would love Arthur if not him. Gwen could, but not like he would. 

Merlin was so lonely and cold. But he would stay. He would stay in Camelot near his King. 

It would destroy him. Break him piece by piece. 

But he would stay because it was his Destiny. 

He hoped one day he could stay it all. All that was on his heart, on his soul, on his conscience. And he hoped Arthur would hear him out and understand. 

____________________

_Why would you ever kiss me?_

_I'm not even half, as pretty_

_You gave her your sweater_

_It's just polyester, but you like her better_

_I wish I were Heather_

_Wish I were Heather_

_Wish I were Heather_

_Why would you ever kiss me?_

_I'm not even half as pretty_

_You gave her your sweater_

_It's just polyester, but you like her better_

_Wish I were_

__________________ 

Voilà ! I hope you liked it! 


End file.
